Longing
by AzaleaBlue
Summary: A random 6th year AU oneshot posted as a drabble series on Tumblr. Pinning and slow-burn. Beyond jealousy, and anger and hurt, there is something that Ron and Hermione still share... Longing.


Ron came to an abrupt stop in front of her.

"Hi," he asked tentatively as Hermione looked up from the stack of books in her hands and paused as their eyes met. There was a tiny flicker of regret in those beautiful brown orbs before she looked away, and made to walk off.

"Her-Hermione?" he called before he could stop himself, and this time, he was certain he heard her suck in a breath as she stopped mid-step.

A couple of seconds passed before she replied, her voice carrying more sadness than anger.

"What is it, Ron?"

For the thousandth time since getting back to school, Ron wished he could turn back time. "Off to the library?" he asked, not caring anymore that his longing was much too evident in his words.

She took longer to answer this time. "Yes," she replied, looking firmly at the books she was carrying.

"Can - May-May I come with you?" he asked haltingly.

She turned to face him slowly this time. Exhaustion, both physical and emotional seemed to be draining her. "Don't you have-" she looked away, "-somewhere to get to?" she added in a quieter voice.

"No."

She met his eyes for a moment longer and then nodded a smidge. "Okay," she replied at long last, "if you wish."

"I do."

...

They walked in silence down the long corridor as if they had run out of words to say to each other.

Her brain continued to beg her to spin around and run away in the opposite direction, as far away from him as possible-but her stupid heart held on, soaking in the closeness that she had craved sorely all these months. And yet she knew, these moments were stolen, they didn't belong to her- _Ron_ didn't belong to her.

She took in a few deep gulps, silently thanking the darkness of the corridor. "Why are you here?" she asked despite herself.

"I've-" he started and seemed to stop himself abruptly. "Didn't see you in a while," he replied instead.

She chanced a glance at him and noticed he was looking straight ahead, matching steps with her much smaller ones, hands shoved deep inside his pockets.

"How was Christmas?" she found herself asking. It had been way too long since she had heard his voice.

He let out a dry chuckle. " 'twas okay. How was yours?"

"Good," she replied mechanically.

They again returned to walking in silence till they reached the library and Ron pushed the door open for her.

...

It seemed just like before as they took their usual table, Ron's tall form reclined back on the chair, long legs stretched under the table, very close to hers. Hermione pilled as many books she could between them and hoped the wall hid her from his view.

"How have you been?" he asked suddenly and she looked up from the essay she had been trying unsuccessfully to finish, meeting his eyes that looked rather sad.

"Good," she replied with quite an effort. Despite the stack between them, Ron could easily watch her. "I-I really don't know why you are here- _with me_," she blurted out and then looked away, hating herself for her weakness.

Ron seemed to shuffle in his seat and she kept her eyes focused on the blank parchment in front of her.

"I'm allowed to spend time with my friends," he replied at long last. "I didn't stop hanging around with Harry."

"Yeah, just me," she added with a bitter chuckle before she could stop herself.

"Hermione-"

She pushed her chair away abruptly, struggling to breathe, and rolled up her parchment in haste, "I-I don't think we should be talking about this, Ron," she added as she grabbed some of the books and walked away to put them back, mainly to get some distance between them. It was stupid, she told herself, craving something that wasn't to be.

As she moved away to the next aisle, she let out a soft cry that seemed to have been lodged at her throat all this while. She placed a couple of books in their places and turned around- only to smash against Ron who was right behind her…

...

She gasped and took a couple of steps back and Ron barely held himself from grabbing her wrist to stop her.

"Why can't I spend time with you?" he asked- pleaded in fact.

For a moment it appeared as if Hermione would scream at him but then she shook her head a little and turned away.

"You are my best friend too," he added hoping she'd come up with a reply that would clearly mark out how his friendship with Harry was different from that with her.

"I think you should go," she exhaled, looking away. "Go … back to your girlfriend," she added haltingly.

"You didn't answer me," he insisted.

"And I am not going to!" she snapped back, wheeling around at last. "If-if you don't know the answer already, Ron, perhaps-perhaps there is no reasonable justification anyway!" she exclaimed before letting out an exasperated sigh.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked taking a couple of steps towards her, and for once Hermione didn't walk away.

She looked into his eyes for the longest amount in many months. "Nothing," she replied in a small voice and busied herself with a book she pulled out randomly.

...

"I know when you are just pretending to read," he grumbled while she ignored him.

"You don't know that," she replied walking away to their table and taking a seat.

"_I know you,"_ he replied in the familiar way that broke her heart again.

"No, you don't, Ron."

"Then I want to," he pleaded softly as he pulled the chair next to hers.

Hermione snapped her book shut and faced him at last. "Why are you doing this?!" she asked, cursing the way her heart yearned finding that face so close to hers.

She turned away and flipped open the book to a random page, biting her lip to cut out a sob.

"I- Why can't I be with you?" he asked again.

She could still feel his gaze on her face and she closed her book shut the second time as she sighed. "So what is it that you exactly want, Ron?" she snapped, "You want us to spend time together like- like we used to, and later, you'll just go and snog Lavender? Is that what you want?" she added helplessly, for she knew he wouldn't be wrong even if he did wanted it this way.

Perhaps she had always been just his best friend. Neither of them had said otherwise. Could she do it for his sake? Let him be happy with the girl of his choice while she continued to be just his 'best friend', watch from the sidelines as he hugged and snogged someone else- was she brave enough for a lifetime of it?

She longed to touch the smattering of freckles just beneath his eyes. Her fingers tingled as she imagined gently placing her lip on his and she let out an involuntary gasp before turning away sharply. Those blue orbs continued to take her in.

She had tried everything- from letting her anger rule her head and set ferocious birds on him, to going out with McLaggen just to make him jealous, and last of all, ignoring him completely. She had almost convinced herself that she had more important things to do than pine away for him.

But she had never thought of it this way- perhaps because after last year, she had assumed that they were meant to be. She had convinced herself subconsciously that Ron felt the same way about her and it was the very thought that had made her set those birds at him. In her mind, he had betrayed what the two of them shared. As Hermione met his eyes again, her heart broke a little more realising that she had read all the signals wrong.

She was just his best friend. And he was allowed to fall in love with someone else. And she had no right to hold that against him.

The choice was hers now, whether to have him at least as her best friend, or not have him in her life at all.

In a way, it wasn't really a choice at all…

...

"No," he replied, looking down at his large palms before he looked up again.

Hermione cursed herself quietly, she was going down the same road yet again. _No, it couldn't be regret that she saw in his eyes; neither could it be longing._

Ron seemed to struggle a bit as he sat hunched on his chair and rubbed his hands together. "You are right…" he said at last. "It's not the same. I- I have been trying to tell Lavender for days now," he added quietly, and although she couldn't really figure out what he meant, she didn't dare ask, worried that she was once again reading too much into it.

"It's - it's fine. I mean, it's your life, your choice," she replied, surprising even herself at how she wasn't even angry anymore, only miserable.

_Just because she was madly in love with him for three years now, he wasn't really obligated to return her feelings. That's not how it worked. _

...

"We should go now," she said at last and gave him a weak smile before busing herself with putting her quill and inkwell inside her bag. She rolled up her parchment and arranged the books in a neat stack, biting back her tears. She'd done rather well, she thought to herself. If she was quick enough, she would still be able to keep those tears in check until she had locked herself behind those heavy curtains of her four-poster bed.

"Hermione?" Ron called again. She glanced sideways a smidge and noticed that he still sat the same way, watching her.

"Hmm?"

"I'm going to tell her," he managed.

She halted abruptly for a second, gasping for air.

_Ron was going to tell Lavender he was in love with her…_

"Oh," she choked out. "G-Good, she- she'll be very happy for sure," she added with difficulty.

"Huh?"

"Lavender has been telling Parvati for days now," she added in a small voice while she continued to shove books in her bag and avoid his eyes. "She has been waiting for you to tell her that you love her."

"WH-WHAT? Blimey I- I mean … " he stammered and Hermione paused to look at his confused face. "I don't love her!" he gasped as if in shock.

"You...don't?" she found herself asking. Something seemed to change in him as he continued to look at her.

"No," he replied more surely and then added, "I don't love _Lavender_, Hermione."

Hermione tried hard to ignore the look in his eyes but then he suddenly stood up, towering over her and she took a couple of steps back before she could stop herself. The tears that she had been hiding so far, trickled out.

"Ron… don't…please? I'm tired of getting everything wrong over and over again!"

"Hermione, I-" he began but she stopped him again.

"I'll get used to it, alright? I'll get used to seeing you with her. It's -it's fine…" she added helplessly.

No, she couldn't start doing it all over. Ron had all the right in the world to fancy anyone he liked- it was unfair if she made him choose between his girlfriend and their friendship! Hermione knew she'd regret it the next morning when she saw Lavender in Ron's arms, but what she had been doing wasn't fair.

"I'm okay," she repeated.

"Are you really?" he shot back angrily, surprising her. " 'cause I sure wouldn't be if it was the other way round, Hermione!"

So wrapped she was in her own thoughts that it took her a while to notice what he'd said. "W-what?"

"I would've reacted the same if you had snogged someone else," he responded slowly. She could see a vein throb at his temple. "I wouldn't have set birds at you perhaps but I'd be mad…like really barking mad."

"Why?" she asked, not taking her eyes off him. She couldn't afford to misread the signs again.

"Because…" he halted, took a deep breath and bit his lower lip as if trying to phrase it properly. "I'd always thought it would be… _us._"

Hermione let out a strangled cry before she could stop herself and looked away hurriedly but Ron continued.

"I -I know I should … tell Lavender first before but… I - I am allowed to tell my best friend what I feel, right?" he pleaded.

"I don't know, Ron!" she replied looking back at him, tears falling freely now. "This is so messed up!" she exclaimed, conflicting emotions making her even tearier.

There was a momentary pause before he brought his hand gently to hers and ran the pad of his fingers over her knuckles. "I messed it up. I promise I'll sort it out, until then, can we please be best friends if nothing more?"

With her tears having rendered her speechless, Hermione managed a nod. Ron let out a sigh and collapsed on his knees in front of her and pressed his face into her abdomen.

"Ron!" she gasped even though her fingers found their way in his hair instinctively, and Ron let out a satisfied sigh, "We are in the library!" she admonished quietly.

"Don't care," he mumbled against her, wrapping his arms around her waist.

Hermione pulled him closer, breathing perhaps for the first time in many months.

She was allowed to hug her best friend, she reasoned fervently to herself. _Wasn't she?_


End file.
